OKAY❗

It hurts. It hurts so much more than i thought it would. They all told me that love was the best thing that could ever happen to someone, but they forgot to mention that it was also the worst. Maybe i’m getting it wrong, maybe i’m confusing love with heartbreak. Either way, it still hurts. It’s draining me to know that you’ve moved on and found someone better whilst i find it hard to even get up out of bed. 

I spend most of my days, crying over the idea of what we were, of what we could’ve been. There are days where i forget to eat and take care of myself because i’m too busy reminiscing all the good times, the times where you did love me.

The rare times that i find the energy to shower, I pray that the water hits me hard enough so that every trace of you on my skin is washed off of me and goes down the drain along with all the other dirt.

There’s times where staying inside with all of my thoughts gets too much and all i want to do is leave. I just wish i had somewhere where i could let it all go, somewhere where i could be free. Somewhere i could go to and automatically know everything would be okay, even if it didn’t seem that way. My own special place.

You were my special place, but then you left. You left and you took a piece of me with you. It’s no wonder that i feel as if there’s something missing, that i’m constantly trying to find something or someone to fill that little hole in my life, in my heart. The same little hole which you filled in once upon a time. Maybe that’s why it’s hard to find someone that i trust enough to give it to. Because of you, i’m scared that no matter how much i trust someone, it won’t stop them from going ahead and shattering my heart to pieces, just like it didn’t stop you.

Maybe they’ll finish off the job for you and break it enough so that it’ll be physically impossible for me to ever fix it back together. I guess i’ll just have to get used to being alone if i want to protect my heart, or what’s left of it anyways.

- VAISHNAVI DHAMODHARAN